21 of the funniest Fringe jokes

We were unconvinced by the list of “the best Fringe jokes” that’s been doing the rounds, which was compiled by TV channel Dave.

Surely the collective genius of the Fringe’s comedy talent could come up with something funnier? We decided to compile our own list, and we reckon there are a few gems they missed.

[What jokes made you laugh out loud this year? Picture: Jack Davolio]

Rob Auton won the 2013 prize for funniest joke for the following:

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” (See our previous article for the full top ten).

Are the following gags and one-liners better or worse than their top ten? We think a few of them are,  but we’ll leave it to you to decide.

Warning: some of these jokes are not for the easily offended.

“How does the Pope pay for things online? Papal.”

– Paul Gannon (Just the Tonic at The Caves, 5:20pm)

“Why is it they only let old people fight in the second world war?”

– Little Howard (Udderbelly Pasture, 2:45pm)

“Some of the young comics up here will screw anything. Don’t be too surprised when that baby panda is born it bears more than a passing resemblance to someone you saw on a poster in Bristo Square. If it comes out with crazy hair, Russel Kane will have a lot to answer for…”

– Christian O’Connell

“I just stuck a ‘Missing Lamppost’ picture on a cat”

– Carey Marx (Gilded Balloon Teviot, 10pm)

“Archaeology: it’s the new rock and hole.”

– Tim Fitzhigham (Pleasance Courtyard, 7:30pm)

“An English economist recently announced he could see the light at the end of the tunnel. He neglected to mention that it was a truck coming in the opposite direction.”

– Keith Farnan (Underbelly, Belly Dancer, 6:20pm)

“I’ve just finished reading the book “Utopia” – it’s not as good as it sounds.”

– Pete Cain (The Assembly Rooms, 10:15pm)

“Acid must suck for the colour-blind.  ‘Wow, man!  Look at all the… grey…'”

– Terry Clement

“Fear public speaking? Imagine your audience with clothes on. More clothes. HEAPS MORE. Now it’s like you’re just talking to a pile of laundry.”

– Benny Boot (Udderbelly, Pasture, Clover, 5:30pm)

“In school I entered a spelling bee and spelt “embarrassed” wrong. I became instantly embarrassed. I wish I had spelt wealthy wrong. For obvious reasons, I’m glad I didn’t get the word “diarrhoea.” Who can spell diarrhoea? (I used spellcheck).”

– Felicity Ward (Udderbelly Pasture, Dairy Room, 10pm)

“My wife was reading Australian erotica. Fifty shades of g’day.”

– Gordon Southern (Gilded Balloon Teviot, 5:45pm)

“I love languages. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. Like the way an Irish person or a Scottish person would say that the band Snow Patrol are boring but an Eskimo has a 100 words for how crap Snow Patrol are.”

– Neil Hickey (Pleasance Courtyard, 3:15pm)

“I don’t like Movember. It draws attention away from the issues it’s trying to highlight. So I’m launching a rival campaign called Bollocktober.”

– Lloyd Langford (Gilded Balloon Teviot, 9:30pm)

“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”

– Alfie Moore (Pleasance Courtyard, 9:50pm)

“Lots of my friends have put photos of their offspring as their profile pictures on Facebook. Which means whenever I open my profile it looks like half of my friends are tiny children. Often with really inappropriate status updates: “I’m so hungover today!” You look like you’re nine months old!”

– Matt Green (Pleasance Dome, 8:10pm)

“My Korean girlfriend once cooked me a pie made from scratch. I was gutted. I loved that dog.”

– Mark Restuccia (Just The Tonic@Bristo Square, 5:30pm)

“‘I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as they’re clever’ is like saying ‘I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as they’re visual’.”

– Brendon Burns  (The Stand, 9:40pm)

“I’m on that 5:2 diet, you eat what you like for five days and for two days you basically eat nothing. I’ve been doing it for five days, it is brilliant.”

– Jasper Cromwell Jones/Joe Bor (Gilded BalloonTeviot, 7pm)

“I don’t like children, but I might get a dog. Dogs are more likeable than children- and they only last 10-15 years. So by the time you get bored of a dog, it’s almost dead anyway…”

– Andrew Lawrence (Pleasance Courtyard, 8:50pm)

“I’m single.  By choice.  Her choice.  No it was a mutual thing.  We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend.”

– Brett Goldstein (Pleasance Courtyard, 9.30pm)

“When asked is my glass half empty or half full? I retorted ‘I knocked that over years ago'”

Terry Alderton (Pleasance Courtyard, Cabaret Bar, 8pm)

What’s the funniest joke you’ve heard at the Fringe?

Tell us in the comments below (just register first), on Twitter with #wow247 or on our Facebook page