Forget The Great Escape and It’s A Wonderful Life this year – feast your eyes on these crazy yuletide flicks instead.
From killer Santas to seasonal superheros, Mark Butler takes a look at the weirdest Christmas movies of all time.
Rare Exports (2010)
Santa is not the fat, jolly old man we all know and love. Oh no. According to this inspired but thoroughly barmy Finnish comedy, it turns out he’s an evil, child murdering monster who’s been encased in ice for centuries. Time for a plucky young boy and his reindeer herding community to fight back…
Santa Claus vs Cupid (1915)
Proof positive that bizarre cinematic ideas really are nothing new, this 100-year-old silent flick revolves around two blokes in Santa suits fighting over the same woman – and bumping into a thief at a Christmas party.
Maniac Cop 2 (1990)
This ludicrous sequel to the original cult favourite sees mega-jawed Robert Z’Dar return as the killer police office of the title. Only this time he’s a zombie. And it’s Christmas. B-Movie king and Evil Dead hero Bruce Campbell is also back as a cop who thwarted the murderous villain last time round.
Surviving Christmas (2004)
Ben Affleck plays a shallow, lonely millionaire who pays a family $250,000 to pretend to be his own family over Christmas – with the perverse odd-ness even extending to him writing scripts for them to read, and getting the eldest daughter to play the maid (before ruthlessly hitting on her). This rapidly-forgotten comedy mis-fire was nominated for three Razzies.
Santa’s Slay (2005)
Featuring demonic deer and some of the most inventive slasher movie deaths in history, here Santa is revealed to be a ruthless killer – and the result of a virgin birth initiated by Satan (seriously). Prepare yourself for seasonal slaughter as Father Christmas kills-off various innocents in magnificently festive ways: including drowning in eggnog, and death by turkey leg.
3 Godfathers (1948)
The Wild West meets biblical nativity in a cowboy re-telling of the Three Wise Men – starring John Wayne. Stumbling across a covered wagon in the desert after fleeing a bank robbery, a trio of outlaws help the pregnant mother inside, and pledge to look after her newborn baby. Oh, and the name of Wayne’s character? Marmaduke Hightower. Brilliant.
Comfort and Joy (1984)
It’s Christmas – Glasgow style. And that means a comedy caper revolving around a DJ getting caught up in the city’s infamous ice cream wars. Cue baseball bat attacks, car chases, and a pivotal plot device involving the invention of deep-fried ice cream fritters. Pass the party poppers!
Friday After Next (2002)
Starring rapper Ice Cube, and Terry Crews as a gay gangster on parole, this awful, stereotype-propelled ‘comedy’ sees two flatmates plunged into dire straits after a guy dressed in a Santa outfit steals all their Christmas presents. It features a shop called ‘Pimps and Hoes’, and a scene where Crews’s character attempts to rape someone. Ho ho ho, right?
Santa with Muscles (1996)
Hulk Hogan stars as a drug-dealing millionaire who bangs his head and wakes up thinking he’s the real Father Christmas. Meanwhile, an evil scientist tries to blow up an orphanage so he can get the ‘magic crystals’ buried under it. Do we really need to say anymore?
The Hebrew Hammer (2003)
Superhero movies are a dime a dozen these days – but we reckon you’ve never seen anything quite like this. Dressing like the world’s most badass rabbi-pimp, Jewish crime-fighter The Hebrew Hammer must battle to save Hanukkah from the evil clutches of Santa’s son.
Mixed Nuts (1994)
It’s the Steve Martin vehicle you’ve never heard of – and with good reason. Martin plays a suicide helpline owner who gets embroiled in all kinds of dumb hi-jinks on Christmas eve, featuring evil rollerbladers, a serial killer, and fruitcake violence. The low point has to be the bit where they disguise a corpse as a Christmas tree. What fun.
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)
A notorious car-crash of a movie now considered a so-bad-it’s good classic, this low budget children’s flick sees a hapless Santa get marooned in Florida. And it’s totally, bafflingly weird. Including an hour-long fairytale diversion clearly filmed separately then shoe-horned in, you’ll feel like you’re having the drug-free acid trip of a lifetime.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Hugely controversial on release, this trashy tale of killers clad in Santa suits revolves around a traumatized young boy growing up to go on a psycho murder spree. It was the nuns and parent murder what did it. There’s axe murder aplenty, and at one point someone gets strung up with fairy lights. Merry Christmas!
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