50 of the best ever jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe
The Pleasance

Since its humble beginnings in 1947, the Edinburgh Festival Fringe has come a long way on the journey to being the largest arts festival in the world.

With over 30,000 performances and more than 3,000 shows taking place throughout August there’s an overwhelming amount of acts to choose from.

That’s a lot of comedians. And a LOT of jokes.

If the pulsing throng of tourists pounding the Royal Mile in search of comedy sounds like too much for you to handle; sit back and enjoy our compilation of the 50 best ever* jokes from the Fringe, from the comfort of your desk/sofa/bed/bus seat (delete as appropriate).

We have scoured high and low to bring you the jokes that made us chuckle the hardest. And we have to apologise to all those storytelling comedians out there – for the sake of space we’ve had to focus on good old-fashioned one-liners.

(*Ever = since 2008. So, more accurately in the last seven years).

Let’s warm up for the top 50 with the official best jokes from each Fringe since  ‘Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe’ award began.

2014: “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust.” – Tim Vine

2013: “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” – Rob Auton

2012: “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” –  Stewart Francis

2011: “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm

2010: “I’ve just been on a once in a lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.” – Tim Vine, again.

2009: ” Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge.” – Dan Antolpolski

50 of the best jokes from over the years

1. “I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe (2014)

2. “Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.” – Lucy Beaumont (2014)

3. “Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” –  Alex Horne (2014)

4. “Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”? Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.” – Rhys James: Begins (2014)

5. “You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” – Sara Pascoe (2014)

mark watson
Mark Watson

6. “My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson (2014)

7. “There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” – Nish Kumar (2014)

8. “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” – Ria Lina (2014)

9. “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying.” – Scott Capurro (2014)

10. “One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.” – Hardeep Sinh Kohli (2014)

11. “I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people who’s lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.”  – Jonny Lennard (2014)

12. “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably sh*t.” – Stephen K. Amos (2014)

13. “My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” – Joe Bor (2014)

14. “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F Taylor (2014)

joel dommett
Joel Dommett

15. “If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” – Joel Dommett (2014)

16. “I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling (2014)

17. “Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!” – Jim Sealey (2014)

18. “People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” – Kai Humphries (2014)

19. “My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” – Paul McCaffrey (2014)

Bridget Christie
Bridget Christie

20. “Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.” – Bridget Christie (2014)

21. “Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired.” – Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop (2014)

22. “I love languages. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. Like the way an Irish person or a Scottish person would say that the band Snow Patrol are boring but an Eskimo has a 100 words for how crap Snow Patrol are.” – Neil Hickey (2013)

23. “I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.” – Alfie Moore (2013)

24. “‘I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as they’re clever’ is like saying ‘I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as they’re visual’.” – Brendon Burns (2013)

25. “I’m single.  By choice.  Her choice.  No it was a mutual thing.  We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend.” – Brett Goldstein (2013)

26. “I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.” – Bobby Mair (2013)

tim vine
Tim Vine

27. “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ” – Tim Vine (2012)

28. “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” – WIll Marsh (2012)

29. “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett (2012

30. “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis (2012)

31. “I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)

32. “I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.” Felicity Ward(2012)

33. “Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.” Daniel Kitson (2012)

34. “My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.” Mary Bourke (2012)

35. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine (2011)

36. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen (2011)

Sarah Millican
Sarah Millican

37. “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican (2011)

38. “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.” – David Gibson as Ray Green (2010)

39. As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. – Gary Delaney (2010)

40. “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.” – Paddy Lennox (2009)

Jack Whitehall
Jack Whitehall

41. “I’m sure wherever my dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall (2009)

42. “Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick” – Andrew Lawrence (2008)

43. “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” – Stephen Brown ( (2008))

44. “Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him” – Carey Marx  (2008)

45. “The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much'” – Andrew Bird  (2008)

josie long
Josie Long – picture: Giles Smith

46. “‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed” – Josie Long  (2008)

47. “My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I’m just worried she’s going to dehydrate” – Kerri Godliman  (2008)

48. “I once buggered a man unconscious. I’m lying, he was already unconscious when I found him” – Tom Deacon  (2008)

49. “I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.” – Tom Stade (2008)

50. “My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first” – Alex Horne (2008)

So there you have it. But what’s the best joke you’ve heard at the Fringe?

Let us know on Twitter @wow247fest or at facebook.com/edinburghfest