13 made-up TripAdvisor reviews of fictional hotels
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Hotels in the fictional world are often weird and wonderful places. It would make for a pretty dull film, book or TV show if it was all light, well-furnished rooms and efficient service.

You can’t exactly imagine The Shining taking place in a Holiday Inn, can you?

Film locations often capture the imagination of fans and recently, real people have been posting real reviews of Wes Anderson’s Grand Budapest Hotel on TripAdvisor.

One reads as follows:

“On arrival at the hotel we were greeted by an over zealous young lobby by with the most curious moustache I have ever witnessed. Next came the ever present Monsieur Gustave who instantly hit it off with my Grandmother. He instructed the lobby boy to take my Grandmothers bags to her room and left me standing in the lobby completely on my to look after my own bags.

“I had several excursions booked with my Grandmother but she failed to show up for any. I called in on her every so often but she refused to leave her room. She was flushed and smiling from ear to ear each time I called. I haven’t seen my Grandmother smile in 30 years.”

Inspired, we took it upon ourselves to imagine TripAdvisor reviews for some of the strangest fictional hotels out there…

The Bates Motel (Psycho)

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***DO NOT STAY HERE***

Weirdest hotel I’ve ever stayed in. Got caught in a heavy rainstorm or I never would have stopped. Lots of weird bloody looking streaks all over the place, and I’m pretty sure that the bathroom had a peep hole in it. It might have been my imagination but I was paranoid I was being watched. The owners are very odd. And I found an old wig under the pillow in my bed which gave me the creeps. I don’t have anything against cross-dressing but it was quite disconcerting being met by the owner one minute dressed as a man and the next as a woman. Or was that his mother?

***REPEAT DO NOT STAY HERE***

Downtown LA Hotel Cortez (American Horror Story)

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Personally, I loved this hotel but that’s because I’m dead. No seriously, I’m a ghost and a bit of a misfit. So I felt right at home here. But you might not.

The hotel provided everything I needed but I guess other people wouldn’t be so happy to find a deceased baby inside the mattress of their bed. But I didn’t mind, that’s just me. A grand building, although a little dilapidated, my only advice would be keep your wits about you. They seem to have a problem with drugs in the hotel. While I was there I met an ancient vampire, a really off-putting demon with a strap-on and someone who looks exactly like Lady Gaga.

The Overlook Hotel (The Shining)

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Great hotel with cool grounds and a brilliant hedge maze to get lost in. Got so drunk one night that I started hallucinating loads of weird shit. Ended up in the hotel bar with the weird caretaker and bartender – think his name was Lloyd. He was the best goddamn bar tender in Timbuktu, honestly. Just kept on racking up the bourbons (think it was actually Jack Daniels, but they kept calling them bourbons). Anyway, I got so blind drunk that I started imagining stuff. At one point there were two creepy little girls and I thought I saw a man in a bear suit (or it might have been a dog) getting up to no good with another man. There were also loads of mirrors everywhere. And none of the electrical appliances seemed to be plugged into anything – weird! Oh, and the lift seemed to be covered in the remnants of sticky red stuff (hopefully not blood, lol!). Overall, a fun stay but just mind how much bourbon you end up drinking!

The Hotel (The Lobster)

The Lobster

This is one f***ed up place, but as we know, it’s essential. We HAVE to go here. I’m just writing this review so you are aware of what to expect.

Basically, you need to embrace the experience. You have to try and make a match. By any means possible. I made it out the other side. There are things you can do. Do whatever you can to make a match. Shoot as many ‘loners’ as you can, make yourself bleed if that’s what’s required. Be aware that masturbation is banned, but awkward stimulation by the hotel maid is a requirement. And, I know you don’t want to think about this, but be sure to have thoroughly thought out which animal you want to come back as, in the event of a failure. Good luck.

Fawlty Towers Hotel, Torquay (Fawlty Towers)

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Where do I even start? A shambolic stay from start to finish. Arrived to the owners (husband and wife) arguing with each other. He is a pompous old git and I heard him call his wife a “rancorous, coiffured old sow”. In front of guests!!!!! The owner seems to have lost the plot. He tried to strangle a guest at one point!! He was unable to string a sentence together without mixing his words up and we saw him beating his car with the branch of a tree because it wouldn’t start. No bloody wonder! Nothing was right with our meal, the kitchen was a shambles. The poor waiter seemed completely inefficient but I don’t blame him with all the abuse he seems to take from the owner. A complete joke!

Park Plaza Hotel (Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)

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Great location and great hotel but they have very lax security standards. When I was there, I’m pretty sure I saw a child pretending to be a grown man checking into a room. I also heard what sounded like gun shots coming from one of the rooms one night, and a lot of commotion out in the hallway. The next day, the hapless concierge seemed to be chasing a child (same one perhaps?) around the reception area, but was unable to catch him. It put a massive dampener on my stay.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

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This hotel was advertised as being newly restored. We can assure you that it is not! A group of us travelled there for a holiday and were greeted with a lovely hotel manager Sonny, who did his best to make our stay enjoyable. But the building itself is a dilapidated shell. Sonny does have plans to renovate the hotel but it’s a big job that will likely take a few years. It also seemed to be overrun with decrepit pensioners, which was not what we were after at all. But yeah, if you’re an OAP trying to relive your youth and don’t mind doing it in a run down hotel in India, go for it.

Beverly Wilshire, Beverly Hills (Pretty Woman)

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This hotel is perfect for the modern man on a business trip.

Top Tip: Rent the penthouse suite out, buy in some strawberries and get every episode of I Love Lucy on demand (make sure to have some tooth floss strategically placed in the bathroom – this will come in handy later for a ‘test’.) Then, make your way to the red light district (conveniently situated nearby), pick up one of the best looking hookers you can see and pretend that you’re lost. Tell them you’ll pay her for directions back to the hotel, and once you get there, offer them money to spend the night in your pentsweet, “no strings attached” Yeah right, haha. After your date eats the strawberries, check to see if she flosses. If she does, you’re on to a winner. It’s that simple. Enjoy.

The Park Hyatt, Tokyo (Lost in Translation)

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Can’t fault the place. Hotel is beautiful and saw a few celebrities during my stay here. There is an amazing jazz bar which is perfect for chilling out in of an evening. Great whisky selection. Only thing is, Japan can be quite a lonely place and everyone in the hotel tends to keep themselves to themselves. No fault of the hotel. But, during my stay here (for business), I often day-dreamed about meeting someone young and fun to maybe go out with and sing Roxy Music on karaoke.

The Hotel California

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Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

The Leaky Cauldron (Harry Potter)

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Now, this place doesn’t look much from the outside. In fact, it looks like a run down old shop. But step inside and you’ll see it’s so much more. They have a strict anti-muggle policy, which may annoy some people and the inn has com under fire for being discriminatory but the world has gone PC mad! It can get a bit rowdy in the bar sometimes, and is probably a better pub than hotel but definitely worth a visit, as long as you can prove you’re a wizard!

Happiness Hotel (The Great Muppet Caper)

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Upon arriving, the man on reception was sleeping (and seemed to have flies buzzing around him). However, when we woke him up, he seemed pretty pleased to see us there. “Somebody’s checking in!” he shouted. And is if planned, dozens of animals jumped out and started singing us a song which did in fact make us feel very welcome.

“There’s no fire in the fireplace, there’s no carpet on the floor, don’t try to order dinner, there’s no kitchen anymore.” I could go on. It stinks, the lift attendants are rats (literally) but the receptionist also offered us ‘sneaking out without paying” as a legitimate payment method. But if you’re down on your luck and need a cheap, friendly place to stay, this is right up your street.

De Rozenkransje (In Bruges)

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This place is in a bit of a dodgy area but is perfect for keeping a low profile. Nobody will bother you here. (Username: Anon).