McDonalds’ horrendous attempts at video games
McDonald's Treasure Land

In a statement that surprised pretty much everyone, McDonald’s have announced their intent to compete with technical powerhouses such as Sony and Facebook and release their very own virtual reality device.

We know what you’re thinking: “Happy Meal toys have improved since I was a kid”.

The ‘Happy Goggles’ will be trialed in Sweden this month, but the news has got us quaking in our boots.

Why? Simple. The thought of yet another McDonald’s video game. If these past attempts are anything to go by, we’re right to be scared.

Donald Land

Donald Land

The game is a straight-up platformer, with levels, jumps and collectible coins incorporated – all normal so far.

But the main character, who looks like a hungover student at the Rednose Clown University, and is also imaginatively called Donald McDonald, has abilities includes throwing exploding apples at enemies.

Yeah, remember that time a fast food mascot started throwing fruit-disguised bombs around? Didn’t think so.

Global Gladiators

Global Gladiators

Again, this is a platform game aimed at kids, originally released for the Sega Genesis console before being ported over to different systems… oh, and you have a gun in this one.

Yeah, we’re not exactly sure what it’s meant to be using as ammunition (apparently it’s meant to be a Super Soaker that shoots goo, but we’re not having it), but whichever of the two available characters you choose to play as (twice the characters, for twice the disappointment) comes out literally all guns blazing.

The game was developed by Virgin Interactive for McDonald’s, as part of what we assume was yet another mass-marketing campaign, and features a strong environmentalist sub-text that young children really don’t care about.

Also, Ronald McDonald (you know, Donald McDonald’s brother) inexplicably appears at the end of every level to wave you through the finish.

M.C. Kids

MC Kids close

Sure, it looks like Global Gladiators, with its multiple playable characters and the burger clown showing his face, but trust us, there are infinite differences between the two games.

First of all, both playable characters in M.C. Kids have plain black eyes, which makes them look more like demonic summoners than helpful children. Also, what is going on with that kid’s mouth? Is that a mustache? Is this a re-skinned Mario game?

The controls are clunky, Ronald’s increasingly intense advances start to get a little creepy after a while, and the enemies you encounter are completely irrelevant.

One second you’re fighting a snail, the next it’s an up-right plant. What are the rules here?

McDonald’s Treasure Land Adventure

McDonald's Treasure Land 2

In this 1993 oddity that was first released for the (surprise surprise) Sega Genesis, Ronald McDonald can shoot stars out of his hands, like some kind of wizard, and he uses them to defeat bad guys – because if there’s one thing this giant ladybirds hate, it’s stars.

To be fair to this game, it’s probably the best-looking of the lot, with its vibrant art-style and standard enemies.

As for the rest of the game though, it’s terrible, so we hope you haven’t just gone online immediately to order it from Amazon.

Spot: The Cool Adventure

Spot the cool adventure

Following the best-looking game, we have the worst-looking game, although in fairness Spot: The Cool Adventure was eventually released on the Game Boy, so it’s not all that fair to compare graphics.

If you’re thinking that this game appears to have nothing to do with McDonald’s, you’re on the right lines. The game originally started as an M.C. Kids port, but the characters and art-style were changed for whatever reason.

It has the level design of M.C. Kids, the world map of Super Mario World 3, the character is an animated red spot from a 7up can… can it even be classed as a McDonald’s game anymore?

Weird upon weird.