Guess what guys: Nintendo are building their very own theme park in Japan. Cue the inner children in all of us going absolutely ballistic.
Due to be completed in 2020, in time for the Olympics, the Nintendo theme park will focus mainly on Super Mario, but will also include characters from many of Nintendo’s other franchises, just in-case you thought Link and all of the Pokemon were going to be left out.
But what rides will there be? Here are some attractions we hope won’t escape Nintendo’s vision – even if they are a little bit impractical/impossible.
Luigi’s Mansion ghost train
It’s just like any other Luigi-themed ghost train, but each rider is given a green cap and a vacuum cleaner, which they must use on their way to suck up the various ghosts that jump out at them.
If every ghost is collectively vacuumed up by your team, then you open a secret track, at the end of which Bowser awaits, 7-feet tall and understandably angry because… well, he’s always angry.
Defeat Bowser, save Mario, and you and your team receive the ultimate prize: you get to keep the green Luigi cap.
Big Penguin Race slide
Remember this horrific battle in Super Mario 64? Well, remember no more, because Nintendo will surely be making a ride out of this in their new theme park… definitely.
The slide could hold up to six racers, all of which are padded up to avoid any injury, because let’s be honest, that’s the biggest fear of theme parks now a days.
Just get an employee to play the penguin.
The Wind Waker rapids
Sure, you may have been down your fair share of rapids, and sure, you may have played your fair share of The Wind Waker, but could you combine the two disciplines?
Stick punters in boats shaped like The King of the Red Lions, and throw them down a set of roaring rapids. If they get down the course without crashing or falling out, give them a pat on the back, shake their hand rigorously, and give them five pence.
Seem like a lousy reward? I thought you said you’d played your fair share of The Wind Waker? You should be used to it by now.
Caterpillar roller coaster
This is surely a no-brainer. Just remake the caterpillar roller coaster from Mario Party 10, and have it travel around the entire park, with various points of high rises and low drops.
They could even crank up the excitement by placing coins around the track for riders to collect, and if you return with 100 coins at the end of the day, you get… well, you can’t have a life, because they aren’t real, but the prize can be something good.
Fire flowers? No, they aren’t real either…
The Pokemon Safari
It’s finally time to become the Pokemon master you always knew you were, in the Pokemon Safari. It could be a free-roam space with different patches of long grass, and each contestant would be given 20 ‘PokeBalls’ (likely as not they’ll just be painted tennis balls – come on, we’re on a budget here) that would register when they hit a target.
The different Pokemon-shaped targets would be hidden around the course, and there could even be items hidden around the land that you can find to help boost your score.
Rainbow Road go-karts
Ground rules: no jumping off the track, no throwing shells at each other. There are no winners or losers, just people having fun, and no matter what anyone tells you, do not go faster than fives miles per hour.
Nah, we’re just kidding. If Nintendo wanted to re-create a life-size version of the horribly unforgiving Mario Kart course Rainbow Road, then we’d want it done right.
Absolutely no restrictions on speed, a supply of green shells to slow down other racers, and the chance to celebrate wildly in the face of anyone who finishes behind us.
Mario Galaxy trampolining
A tower of trampolines, on which you must climb and climb until you reach the top, and ‘defeat’ a ‘boss’. Yeah, by ‘defeat’ we mean avoid, and by ‘boss’ we mean a foam dragon or Petit Piranha or something.
Every level of trampoline would have a different theme similar to the planets on Super Mario Galaxy, and would be completed with a short mini-game or obstacle course.
Now try and tell us that doesn’t sound fantastic.
Aka: Messy Mega Ultimate Extreme Paintballing. So instead of normal paintball guns, participants are given massive paint cannons and a canister of ammo.
Who really knows how they’d measure points or kills or whatever? It’d just be awesome to be given a paint cannon in a padded arena and be set loose on our unfortunate colleagues.