It’s true that Hollywood’s obsession with remaking all of our most fondly remembered movies is getting a little bit out of hand at this point, as it seems like every film slated for release in the near future is some sort of ‘homage’ or ‘reboot’.
But it could be about to get much, much worse.
Some of Britain’s most iconic classic movies currently have reboots/remakes/sequels in production. Do we really need to see a modern version of them?
Don’t Look Now
The ’70s masterpiece is a classic slow-burning horror: chilling and mesmerising in equal measure.
Donald Sutherland himself has stated his displeasure with the planned remake (“they should be ashamed of themselves”), in language that we’re not allowed to utter before 9 o’clock. So not exactly a glowing review from past cast.
Regardless of popular opinion though, the planned remake of this horror gem is certain to carry on. We weep.
Murder on the Orient Express
Throughout the many adaptations of Agatha Christie’s detective murder mystery masterpiece, one facial feature has acted as a symbol for Hercules perceptive pastime, and that facial feature is Poirot’s awesome moustache.
Kenneth Branagh will be the man to Don it next, as he looks all set to play the Belgian sleuth in the planned 2017 reboot, although no other cast members have been officially confirmed at this point.
Branagh has a tough act to follow, and given the fact that he’s also directing the movie, there’s going to be a whole lot of pressure on his curly sub-nose prop.
We don’t want to hear “bawdy pantomime comedy is so outdated”, because now and forever, we’d take a classic Carry On movie over a series of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps any day.
You can imagine our surprise, then, when we discovered that Tim Dawson and Susan Nickson, the writers of Two Pints, would be in charge of the upcoming films.
Still, there’s every chance they’ll get it bang on, and so far we’ve seen nothing to lower our expectations. We’d say “carry on”, but puns are the lowest form of wit.
It’s been too long since we heard the spotless Cockney accent of the one and only Dick Van Dyke (some say he really is a part-time chimney sweep), but it’s not been long enough to give away his iconic role to some other pretender.
Thankfully, the upcoming Mary Poppins film directed by Rob Marshall and starring Emily Blunt as the flying nanny isn’t a reboot, but a sequel…
…Wait, what? They’re going to make Mary Poppins 2 a full 54 years after the original came out? Using simple mathematics, we’ve calculated that means it’s going to be 2.174 times as bad as Chinese Democracy.
Mod culture in a film reel, the Phil Daniels starring Quadrophenia isn’t just ‘a decent film about mopeds’, it’s a part of British culture, etched into the minds of late ’70s kids, and passed down generations through word of mouth like a twisted legend.
What do you do with a film as sacred as that? You make another, don’t you?
That’s the opinion that the spin-off (currently titled Being, by the way) director Devlin Crow seems to adopt, and although the filmmaker has few professional credits, this one doesn’t look to be in too bad shape at all, judging by early reports.
We thought Scottish swordfighting royal rumble Highlander had been bled dry of trivia, interest, and content. Apparently, we were wrong.
Just about everyone and their pet goldfish has been linked with the reboot of this one, including former WWE World Heavyweight Champion Dave Bautista, who wowed critics and viewers alike by playing Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy.
But come on, the only reason they pulled off a time-travelling action flick in Scotland in the first place was because they managed to get hold of Sean Connery, and Christopher Lambert pulled his finger out. If they manage it a second time, with a former wrestler as one of the main characters, it deserves to win an Oscar.
Just about every country in the EU and beyond had a hand in making 2001s Tomb Raider, but it was a British co-production.
Angelina Jolie was a fine Lara Croft, because she has those eyes that say: “I am capable of being a very pleasant person, but I can also shoot guns, and if I don’t like you, I might kill you”. It’s very unsettling.
Thankfully, Alicia Vikander of The Man From Uncle and Ex Machina fame will be the one to slowly take Angelina Jolie’s akimbo pistols out of her hands, as MGM officially cast the Swedish actor as the new Lara Croft last month.
Better you than me, Alicia.