Great news everyone. Hollywood fist-for-hire Liam Neeson is to star in a hi-octane new action thriller called…The Commuter
Yes, that’s right. Neeson will soon be seen strutting his stuff on a humble passenger train, as he plays an ordinary businessman on his way to work when he stumbles into a “deadly” conspiracy, and ends up “behind the trigger”.
It does paint an interesting image, doesn’t it? And it’s tempting to imagine just what it would be like if we had to commute to work and back every day while sitting next to Neeson’s no-nonsense screen persona.
It might turn out something like this…
Epic phone rants
The platform is heaving. The 07:10 from Leeds to Manchester is delayed AGAIN. And by the time you do get onto that claustrophobic metal tube, it’s squashed standing room only. Plus the ticket machine was broken, so you’ve now got to buy one at the other end somehow.
If there’s one thing Neeson loves to do, it’s deliver an impassioned, threatening phone call, so as his stress levels reach fever-pitch, you can only imagine the level of vitriol he’s firing via his trusty mobile at the poor, terrified operators of the TransPennine Express.
Oh, and you don’t want to be there for his tantrum when he loses his signal (again) as the train slides into yet another tunnel…
The recurring mantra in Neeson’s action flicks is to suspect EVERYONE.
So brace yourselves for the paranoia to reach fever-pitch.
Why are those other passengers talking in Russian? Can that overly-eager conductor really be trusted?
Convinced that someone’s up to something, it won’t be long before the unnecessary beatings, pistol-waving, and wild ranting begins in earnest.
“Who are you working for?” he screams at some poor underpaid staff member, while flailing his arms around and ranting about conspiracy theories.
The train grinds to a halt in the middle of nowhere.
Groans abound as everyone mutters about “the wrong type of snow” and “leaves on the line”.
But Liam knows that something worse is up.
It could be hijackers. Or even worse…wolves.
Convinced that everyone needs to summon the caveman in them right now, Neeson will surely wrap up in spare coats, grab the snack trolley to make improvised weapons out of beer bottles, and then smash his way through the emergency exit to escape into the wilderness.
Erm…turns out we were just waiting for the signal to change mate.
Car-sharing would be eventful
Trains cancelled? Buses too unreliable? Or maybe you and he just prefer to drive to your destination, regardless of roadworks, diversions and butt-numbing congestion.
Sharing a ride to work with the man himself is hardly going to be a picnic. You can be sure of that.
All it takes is someone to cut you up on a roundabout, and Neeson’s cinematic persona will want to cut them up for real.
What should have been a tedious but uneventful stop-star journey through the one-way system turns into an epic car chase as you tear around roads in search of your target, hanging on for dear life as Neeson bellows that “they’re getting away” while tossing hand grenades out of the passenger window.
Next time, refuse to give him a lift and insist that he cycles.
There’s only so much damage the man can do on two wheels.