Comedian Lou Sanders shares her workplace wisdom (illustrated with stock photos)…
Some people like pink, some blue and other people like to have sex with pigs or dogs.
What I am saying is everything is subjective and some people aren’t going to care for you or what you do. Even though I personally think you are great. Honestly mate. I do.
So what to do when you have a compliant about you at work? Fortuitously I have had a lot of practice at this so I will help you with these easy peasy Japanesey steps to freedom:
Situation no 1: A member of the public is dissatisfied with something you have done and they set upon you verbally.
Here are your options:
1. Pretend that you do not speak English and furthermore you have a breathing problem. This can be easily achieved by speaking pretend French into a paper bag. This complaining Lorraine will now back off and find someone else to be disappointed by.
2. Attack them back with slander about their family – here we are really looking for your mumma jokes but do extend them to ‘your stepdadda’, ‘your baby’ jokes etc.
3. Blindside them with science; a fact, a study or a science based anecdote. This is nothing to do with the issue at hand but that’s what blindsiding is all about!
Situation no 2: Your boss, Paul wants to know why you haven’t made any money since the late ’80s.
1. Give him or her (yes bosses can be women last time I checked – which was just now on Google – they are not usually called Paul though) a smile, a smile to launch a thousand ships, a smile that says I’m in control, I’m sassy, I’m happy and I ain’t wearing no nappy. Then do a joke to diffuse the situation – something like; ‘Paul give me some credit.’ And then some line about credit notes etc. I don’t know Paul, but I bet he’ll love it.
2. Get Paul a gift. A pretty box, an African figurine or a piece of natty jewellery should do the trick.
3. Then finally, and never underestimate this one, do make some actual money.
Situation no 3: The complaint has been escalated to the police
1. Uh oh – you’ve fudged up and you’ve fudged up big. You’ve got fudge all up inside your sleeve – so whatcha gunna do? Say it was all being filmed for a reality TV show and they have been well and truly pranked and punked! Congratulations you’re off home in time for tea!
2. Play a Whitney Houston song about forgiveness and watch their little hearts melt. Give them a ribbon on a stick and let them dance and rediscover their childhood. Have you committed a crime or have you set the man free to be the child within??
3. If neither of these two options work, then perhaps, and I only say this as a very last resort, but you might have to do some Kung Fu.
Good luck! And keep being you! Xx
Lou Sanders’ new show What’s that Lady Doing will be playing at the Jack Dome Pleasance, from Wednesday 3rd August – Sunday 28th August, every day at 20:10.