Simon Fondle Berk’s golden rules for not offending women at the Fringe
Ruby- homas

Ruby Thomas is performing as Simon Fondle Berk at the Fringe in her show Chick. Here, in character, s/he offers some advice to avoid being sexist…

Try to avoid calling them ‘women’. It’s actually offensive

Did you know that the word ‘woman’ comes from the ancient English for ‘wife-of-man’?

In 2016, that just doesn’t cut the Fairtrade mustard, eh? It’s a bit like one of those words you can only say if you are one of them.

Try coming up with your own unique word for ‘women’ that isn’t out-dated and offensive. Some of my top ideas are: titpeople, womb-bags and wombles.

If someone heckles you don’t say, “calm down dear”

For some reason women find this phrase very upsetting and tend to disobey the instruction.

These days, we need to show them some respect. Try saying: “Calm down Madam” or, if they look unmarried, “Calm down Ms”.

Warning: not all lesbians wear North Face!

I’ve made this mistake before.

Never offer to pay for things

If you buy a woman a drink, demand a fiver afterwards. If she refuses to give it to you, steal it from her purse.

This is what’s known as ‘militant feminism’.

Make sure you provide roles for women in your show

There are a lot of complaints on the ‘industry scene’ about there not being enough meaty parts for women on stage.

A good way to combat this is in your show is with finger puppets; name them things like “Beverley”, “Alice” or “Claire”.

You could even get a woman to come up and demonstrate the finger puppets for your audience, although if their fingers are too small it might be best to get a man to do it.

Consider giving out she-wees instead of flyers

Because women need penises too!

Ruby Thomas: Chick at Just The Tonic at The Caves 4th – 28th August, 6.40pm. For tickets visit www.edfringe.com