Leeds Festival is just around the corner, and we’re not taking any chances
We’re now just days away from that special moment where monolithic queues of tired students and dedicated festival goers line up for shuttle buses to carry their excessively packed bags of beer into the middle of Bramham Park field.
Feel free to express your excitement.
Although we’ve already put together a handy guide to the festival’s annual weird and wonderful goings on, we thought some specific dos and don’t might be in order.
Here are our pro tips for surviving Leeds Festival.
1. DO make friends with the Salvation Army
— SALeedsFest (@SALeedsFest) August 21, 2016
The Salvation Army tent in the village will proudly parade their £1 soup and a bread roll offer every single day, making it the ideal destination for anyone looking to keep their wallets as full as their bellies.
When pints are as expensive as they are here, you have to take care of the pennies somehow.
2. DON’T forget the camping chairs
— Hassan Murtaza (@djhaswah) August 9, 2016
If you forget them, you’ll either spend the best part of a week sitting on damp grass, or you’ll fork out £120 for a brand new one.
Either way, you don’t want to leave them at home, because there’s literally nothing worse than setting your tent up only to realise you’re going to be squatting for the impeding drinking marathon.
3. DO be nice while pushing to the front
— Emma Pears (@SELFA_Emma) August 4, 2016
Contrary to what teachers told us in primary school, you should always try and push to the front.
Obviously you don’t want to cause an accident or hurt anyone though, so don’t be running into the NME tent screaming: “STAMPEDE!” or anything.
But there’s no harm in gently and politely making your way past people to try and get to the front of the crowd, because let’s be honest, we’re all there to see as much as we can.
4. DON’T go near this guy
God knows how many cans of Fosters it took for this dude to slide through this puddle of mud, penguin-style. At any rate, we’d suggest maintaining a safe distance from anyone resembling him.
If he tries to drag you into his elaborate game, run as fast as you can, because believe it or not Leeds Fest veterans, covering yourself head-to-toe in sludge really isn’t worth the meagre round of applause you’ll get.
5. DO watch out for tent ropes
Oh yes, right now avoiding guy ropes that connect people’s tents to the ground sounds easy, but after a few drinks it’s a very different beast.
Every year somebody falls over in dramatic, cartoon fashion. You just have to make sure it isn’t you who hits the deck, because your mates will never let you forget it.
Those dizzy trips to the toilets only get harder as the weekend goes on, unfortunately…
6. DON’T use the cash machines
They’ve been known to charge your account £2.50 for each transaction. True story.
We suggest withdrawing money outside the confines of the camp, or living off handouts for the week. It all depends how likable you are.
7. DO expect a monsoon
Not enjoying this rain – c'mon sunshine, get the ground dried out for the 85,000 campers at #LeedsFest
— Festival Angels (@FestivalAngels) August 22, 2016
Never trust the weather. If it’s bright and shiny, and everyone’s running around with flower-power headbands and short shorts, we implore you to be the guy who refuses to remove his cagoule, because it WILL turn.
And when the heavens open, and those flower power headbands are being trampled into the dirt by punters running for cover, you’ll have the last laugh.
8. DON’T do what ‘poo girl’ did
Remember that infamous story in which a girl got trapped head-first down one of the Leeds Festival toilets while trying to reach for her phone? Yeah, well if you didn’t already know, it wasn’t just an urban legend: it actually happened.
We’re not even going to go into the details of the event, but there are two lessons we can learn: one, you should not attempt to get back anything that you drop down the toilet, and two, if something horrifically embarrassing happens to you while you’re there, the whole camp will know about it by lunch.
Main image: Instagram, officialrandl