Russell Crowe: his fictional life and times
Russell Crowe noah trailer

What if the diverse roles actors played actually contributed to their biography? In the latest instalment of our weekly series, we look back on the extraordinary fictional life of Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe noah trailer

Russell ‘Romper Stomper’ Crowe was – contrary to popular belief – born in New Zealand in 1964. Fittingly for a man of so many careers and faces, such a sense of mystery surrounds him that to this day most still swear blind that he is an Aussie. Or even an American.

Little is known about Crowe’s formative years, but at some point he upped sticks and journeyed to nearby Oz, where something dark and terrible was awoken in him.

A turbulent youth saw him head-up a violent street gang in Melbourne. He went on an extraordinary rampage of thuggery and destruction, and demonstrated a surprising disdain for the long flowing locks that would come to define his appearance in later life.

Subsequent graduation to accomplished sharp-shooting gunman and crafty, ruthless outlaw blessed him with an impressive degree of dangerous skill and swagger – and on moving to America several years later he was promptly recruited into the LA police department.

Specialising in slapping around vertically-challenged gossip journalists, sleeping with movie star lookalikes, and breaking so much furniture with his bare hands that IKEA were on permanent speed-dial, the top-brass were particularly impressed with his punishment of wife beaters, and so a major ‘golden boy’ transfer to New York soon followed.

There, however, Crowe found his conscience revived. After years of conflict and brutality, his work as a drug detective in the area saw him shift from quick-fisted corruption to high-minded justice.

The first sign of the change in him was his bizarre, baffling habit of breaking into song  and dressing like a Thunderbird any time he made an arrest – perhaps signalling a more light-hearted approach to law and order.

The second was his equally surreal knack for bringing down twisted authority figures and rogues with a well-placed arrow to the face, before sharing their assorted ill-gotten gains amongst the poor.

Sadly though, his noble transformation did not go down well with colleagues. And when he decided to act as whistle-blower on a major cover-up, Crowe’s days in the police were truly numbered.

Embracing his new blonde, bespectacled look, he reinvented himself as a quiet, softly spoken thinker. Harried out of the force, the much-changed man decided to retire to a vineyard in France, where he took to working on complex mathematical problems while also cultivating his tan.

Unearthing hitherto un-nurtured academic prowess, Crowe first turned his hand to hand to such crucial issues as how to get a whole group of men laid. But when such everyday banality lost his interest, subsequent tinkering with the boundaries of physics resulted in an astonishing discovery.

Thanks to his scientific brilliance – and the fact that he had this whole time been an alien genius from a distant planet – he invented a time machine.

Travelling back to the Roman age, because it sounded like a pretty rock’n’roll period when all is said and done, his plan to become a wealthy senator and gorge himself on the grapes and wine he had grown to love backfired horribly. He was instead captured, enslaved, and forced to fight for the amusement of others.

This turn of events re-awoke that old, dormant violence and brutality in Crowe. And for several months he tangled with men, tigers and an incestuous, lisping cry-baby before a very strange sort of salvation came to pass.

Furious at Rome’s treatment of Christians, God unleashed a typically biblical flood upon the empire, and in the ensuring chaos Crowe constructed a colossal ark to literally ride the apocalyptic wave, christening his mighty new ship the HMS…SURPRISE!

Overseeing an eclectic crew of freed slaves, former child stars and assorted wildlife, he rose to become a formidable commander of the waters – sailing the seven seas and fighting ’round the world to this very day.

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