The music video is an art-form in itself: and takes time, money and effort to produce. There has to be storyboards, camera plans, shooting schedules – all before anything is even caught on camera.
So, with that many stages before filming even begins, you’d have to question why none of the guys behind these videos thought “Hang on a second…”
We’re glad they didn’t though, because otherwise we wouldn’t have ended up with these wonders of the YouTube age. Joel Draba-Mann descends into the pits of musical hell to bring you these enduringly awful classics…
Gnesa – ‘Wilder’
Bad vocals? Check. Questionable talent? Yep. Gyrating dance moves? Sure. Gnesa lays down the gauntlet for the title of worst female music artist ever.
El Mudo – ‘Chacarron Macarron’
This chart-topping Panamanian tune from El Mudo (sometimes seen as El Chombo) is made up of actual nonsensical gibberish and noise. Is it a hype-building video though? Damn straight it is…
Bearforce One – ‘Bearforce One Megamix’
As if by chance, four of the campest men on the face of the Earth met one day and formed Dutch/Irish pop group Bearforce One (“Bear” as in a hairy homosexual gentleman). Throwing shapes MJ would be proud of and featuring a mashup of classic 80’s dance beats, this tune should go down as one of the most maddeningly catchy in the modern era.
Denny Blazin’ Hazin – ‘Average Homeboy’
What is the rap world missing? That’s right – a middle-class white man who needs to voice his opinion! Denny Blazin’ Hazin thought it was his time to break the mold, as this atrocity will attest too. For some reason, rap lord Denny feels continually obliged to state his humble middle-class beginnings throughout – and showcase his thoroughly average lifestyle.
Rakintzis – ‘S.A.G.A.P.O’
The idea for this music video looks like it came about when the creators settled down for an evening’s viewing of The Matrix while intaking obscene amounts of LSD. Somehow, Greek techno group Rakintzis found their way onto the 2002 version of the EuroVision Song Contest. They look like they’ve walked straight out of the ’80s – keytars and all.
Dennis Madalone – ‘America, We Stand As One’
This classic 4th of July tune is a tale of American unity and patriotism in a cruel and uncaring world. Shirtless Dennis Madalone, a former Star Trek stuntman, parades around on the beach in this stirring anthem. USA! USA! USA!
Hot Problems – ‘Double Take’
We feel somewhat ashamed to even include this morally repugnant video. It’s a message from the material age to make Tyler Durden turn in his metaphysical grave.
Brooke Candy – ‘Das Me’
One for all the family here from female hip-hop wannabee Brooke Candy. If those fingernails are anything to go by, Brooke seemingly turned to rapping after her performance as all three of the Stygian Witches in Clash of the Titans failed to springboard her acting career…
Dancing Daffodils – ‘Street Light is Low, Bicycle Go Slow’
A beautiful and moving ode to world peace from India’s Dancing Daffodils. Fantastic chill-out beats about life in the slow-lane from the guy that also brought you ‘Slowly Slowly’.
Ellen and Donald – ‘He Loves a Fat Girl’
“I should be cutting away now”. At what point did those words instill themselves within the thoughts of this show’s director during a live performance from illustrious duet artists Ellen and Donald? At least we all know Donald would make a good wingman…
Mark Gormley – ‘Little Wings’
We all dream of being rock stars, but unfortunately most of us will never feel the buzz of standing on a stage in front of thousands of adoring fans. Neither will poor old Mark Gormley. We don’t know what quite sells us this video, but it works. Is it the mystifying psychedelia and vertigo inducing camerawork? Maybe it’s Mark’s dodgy janitor look? Or perhaps it’s the cut-away shot of a seagull…
Kevin Ayers – ‘Caribbean Moon’
This is just a music video where three semi-naked men caress one another and dance rhythmically in a studio somewhere. Oh what, the cameras aren’t even rolling yet…?