It can’t be easy to come up with a memorable, distinctive marketing campaign for a product, especially one as diverse as beer. But there’s getting it wrong, and then there’s this.
You may love love beer to death, but these commercials – featuring dog waiters and a Japanese Arnie – are enough to make you spit out your pint.
The Brahma Beer turtle
Released in 2001, the ads for this Brazilian booze feature a thirsty turtle, who steals a beer can that falls off a Brahma delivery. The driver gets out, enraged, but to his surprise, he is unable to take the can back. Out of nowhere, the turtle develops exceptional footballing skills and kicks the can around like he is a professional, before putting on a shirt and celebrating like he’s won the world cup.
But wait, there’s more – and this is where it gets weird. In the sequel, the driver returns to take revenge on the turtle by showing him up, having obviously practised his own skills. So he’s having an ego contest, with a turtle, and not even a well animated turtle at that.
The turtle, in the middle of the driver’s show of immense skill, steals his truck, and drives off into the distance. Not only does the driver feel the need to prove his footballing skills against this turtle, but he has been outwitted by it. The third advert in the series shows the turtle picking a couple of beautiful girls, taking them back to a hotel, and showing them his can-kicking skills as well. Like, literally, they just sit there and watch him kick a can. Not exactly James Bond this turtle, is he?
The Bud-Light dog sitter
It’s a dog pulling a pint, no big deal. Budweiser ran this advert for the 2011 super-bowl, involving a man dog-sitting for his friend. I’ve never dog sat, so I’m not entirely sure how the experience would pan out, but I’m pretty sure this has never happened.
Before leaving, the owner claims: “the dogs are really smart, they’ll do what you tell them. And there’s a ton of Bud Light in the fridge”, and so the sitter does what every sane person would do, and attempts to enslave the dogs and make them serve his friends drinks.
Took a dark turn, didn’t it? What the message here is, I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t “drink Budweiser Light because if you do your dogs will work for you”. If that was the case, then I’m pretty sure Budweiser would have taken over the world by now.
The beer jacuzzi
Even for Finland, this is weird. The advert is for Koff-Perkele features three men in a ‘jacuzzi’ surrounded by snow. One of the men pops up from underwater with a pack of beer and shouts noises at the other two (one of which is dressed as a diver, a gag that ends up looking more creepy than funny).
Then, the man dressed as a diver blows bubbles down a conveniently placed tube, shouts: “JACUZZI”, and all three of them laugh themselves into a hangover while a graphic hand slams a flatted can of Koff into the screen.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this advert gave Finnish children nightmares.
This campaign for Eichhof, a German beer, features a curious thirsty man taking a beer from the fridge. Little does he know, however, that his psychotic friend has linked the beer bottle up to a Wiley-Coyote-esque contraption designed to assassinate anyone who touches the beer. Long story short, a hippopotamus falls, crushing him to death, then his friend (or killer) takes the beer from his hand and presumably says something witty.
There’s so many question I want to ask about this. Why did he kill his friend instead of taking the beer out of the fridge himself? How did he get the hippo up on the roof, suspended perfectly? Why does he care enough about one bottle of beer to kill his house mate?
Arnie’s Japanese beer
I don’t even really know what to say about this one. From what I can make out, Arnold Schwarzenegger is gambling with some Japanese men, and then they get offended or something, so Arnie drinks the beer that gives him magic powers…. or something like that, and then he uses his powers to cover the guy in money, or porridge or something.
His laugh at the end is haunting. I don’t know, maybe it works in Japan, but if this advert was shown on TV over here, I’d do everything in my power to stay away from it, for fear of Arnie suddenly appearing and laughing at me until I cried.
Handcuffed to a human arm
Straight out of a horror movie this one. The advert is for IBC Root Beer and shows a man waking up on the street after a heavy night drinking. He quickly realises, in his bleary eyed state, that he is handcuffed to a severed human arm. That takes the idea of a ‘crazy night’ to a whole new level doesn’t it?
Do you know what IBC? You’re right. If my nights out on beer regularly ended up with me cutting off another human being’s arm then yes, I probably would rather have a root beer. But sadly, that is not the case.
They’ve used the wrong person anyway. This situation means that there is another guy waking up, head aching, with one arm. Now that’s an advert for root beer.
The grim reaper pub crawl
The advert is for Greene King IPA beer, and features one unfortunate man suffering, what should have been, instant death multiple times. First, he rides his bike off a cliff, then gets hit by a bus, then he is hit by a meteor, then he is struck by lightning – but he survives it all.
Why is this, you ask?
Well, as the advert shows, the Grim Reaper is unable to claim his life, because the scythe-wielding ghoul is in the pub enjoying a nice refreshing pint of lager. The slogan is: “could you say no to another?”
Yes, if I was a celestially being charged with collecting the perished souls of the once living, I could actually say ‘no’ to another.