The much-anticipated sixth series of Game Of Thrones is now just days away, promising to ladle on oodles of renewed intrigue – and answer some tantalising big questions.
But while the fantasy drama has always packed plenty of inspiration from the North of England, from its rich history to its lovely accents, we’re really dying to know one thing: just what would the show truly be like if it was actually set in Yorkshire, rather than the world of Westeros?
Here are some key things that would definitely be different.
The Wall would face South and West, instead of North
Never mind the ‘Wildlings’ of Scotland and the North-East. We get on with them just fine, thank you very much.
No, the real threat comes from Southern hordes swaggering up this way to make tiresome gags about flat caps and thatched roofs, and from our much despised neighbours across the Pennines in Lancashire (Lannister??).
Build it high people – and get that scythe ready!
It would always be Winter
Forget all that talk about it “coming”. It’s bloody well here all year round.
The King in the North would easily win
Home advantage counts for a lot, you know. So expect Robb Stark to smash all challengers aside and smite his enemies with righteous, stubborn fury. “THE KING IN’T NORTH!”
Dragons would receive a much less hysterical response
“Oh, is that a dragon Daenerys, love? Well, fancy that…”
As masters of the art of understatement, Tykes would be sure never to let their sense of awe fully show, unlike the gawping, openly astonished folk of Westeros.
Expect to also hear plenty of soldiers with severed limbs, and unfortunates with Greyscale, loudly proclaiming to their mates that they are in fact “fair to middling”, and “it’ll be reet”.
Varys and Littlefinger wouldn’t last two minutes
With their calculating schemes, brooding speeches and shrewd political manoeuvring, the two key ‘behind the scenes’ power-players in the saga think they’re pretty smart.
But given Yorkshire’s incredibly low tolerance threshold for bullsh*t, it’s likely Littlefinger would barely begin to start stroking his moustache before some rightly suspicious person slapped him across the face and told him to stop talking soft, before lobbing him squealing into the River Aire.
The scenery would be even more beautiful
Credit: Wiki / CC
Yeah, the backdrops of Northern Ireland, Iceland, and Dubrovnik are pretty spectacular. We’ll give you that.
But they’re still not quite up to the mark of the Moors, Dales or Peak District now, are they?
The music would be awesome
You know what that sound is? It’s the sound of Alex Turner playing ‘The Rains Of Castamere’. Nice.
It would be all about the beer
One of the weirdest things about Westeros is the strange affection pretty much everyone – including big, burly murderous types like The Hound – have for wine, over any other alcoholic option. They love the vino, oh yes.
But if the story was set in Yorkshire, you can bet your life everyone would be quaffing pints of Black Sheep, Copper Dragon and Sammy Smith’s over a smooth Dornish Red. Any day of the week.
Sean Bean would live forever
You think we’d let the noblest, truest dude around fall foul of deception and injustice? Not on our (Night’s) watch.
Sheffield’s finest would stay the course to the bitter end. And maybe even sit the Iron Throne.