Let’s face it, it’s about bloody time.
With the EU referendum fallout expanding with every passing hour, talk of Scotland going independent and the Shakespearean farce unfolding at the HQ of both major parties, it’s high time we rolled up our sleeves and sorted this mess out.
Thanks us later, Britain. Let’s take a look at a few of the things that will change around here when Yorkshire get the keys to Number 10.
Sean Bean would be PM
Theresa May? Michael Gove? Do me a favour. The Brexit trade negotiation table is going to be a tough old slog, and we need someone up to the task, gruff of voice and hard as nails.
Step forward Mr Sean Bean. Sheffield’s favourite son knows all about leadership and getting the better of enemies from a foreign field. Get him in the hot seat. By the time he’s done, Angela Merkel will be leaving the EU herself begging to join the UK.
Leeds would be the UK’s capital city
For our country to truly prosper, the great thinkers of the nation need to get away from the hustle and bustle of London. They need a combination of Dales air and city infrastructure. There’s only one place for it (though Sheffield will act as second city).
There would be a wall around Lancashire
In true Trump style, it’s only right that we stop Lancastrians from mixing with the rest of the world by building a twenty-foot wall around its border.
And yes, Prime Minister Bean would ensure they paid for it. They would become their own state entirely, trading only in hotpots and the rights to Coronation Street.
October 9 would be a national holiday
To celebrate the birthday of the Rt Hon Brian Blessed, who also happens to be Home Secretary.
The nation’s media would be streamlined
Faced up with some good old fashioned, straight-talking Yorkshire grit, Rupert Murdoch wouldn’t stand a chance. All you really need is The Yorkshire Post, a few regionals, Look North and Calendar. Oh, and WOW247. On day one, Harry Gration will be knighted, too. Obviously.
Rugby Union would be outlawed
It’s been great, but let’s just stick to proper sports please. Football can stay, but cricket is now the national game.
Dame Judi Dench would be Queen
She won an Oscar for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth I in Shakespeare In Love, so for us, that’s all we need to go the whole hog and crown Dame Judi as our head of state.
We’re not sure how she’d feel about it, but we’re thinking Geoffrey Boycott for King, and Leigh Francis as court jester. I guess that’s her call, mind.
There would be no tax on real ale
No need. £1 a pint, up the tax on lager for those soft southern shandy drinkers.
Is there a tax on gravy? If so, there shouldn’t be. Make it free, and dispense it from taps in public areas.
Leeds Town Hall would serve as the new House of Commons
A few renovations might have to be made here and there, but lob in a few green seats and it wouldn’t be too much hassle, surely?
You can just see Prime Minister Bean up there, making a speech about the Foreign Secretary’s controversial plans to invade Lancashire. Oh yeah, and Jeremy Clarkson is Foreign Secretary. Maybe.
Southerners would be taught to speak correctly
Think of it as traditional elocution in reverse. Danny Dyer would be speaking in perfect Yorkshire within weeks.
Our nuclear weapons budget would be spent more appropriately
Who needs atom bombs when you’ve got Big Keith from’t Working Men’s? North Korea wouldn’t stand a chance. Stick your Trident and lump the savings on the gravy budget.
Ilkla Moor Baht ‘at would be the national anthem
And naturally, no one would know the words to the second verse.
The word ‘the’ will be removed from the dictionary
And naturally, it will be replaced by t’.
Things would run a whole lot more smoothly
Main image: Getty